My life is a mess

Ursäkta att jag inte riktigt orkat blogga på senaste. Men hehe, jag har haft fullt upp! Fredrika har varit här sedan tisdags då jag kom hem från Skåne. Så jag lever i alla fall, tack gode gud! Uppdaterar kanske lite senare eller nått :)

on my way again.

nu sitter jag äntligen på tåget hem, jag kan verkligen inte ens börja förklara hur mycket jag ville hem. Men här sitter jag, med internet (tack mamma som beställde det!) och musik i öronen! Visserligen är jag sugen på att kolla på en film, kanske kollar om funkar på tåget annars får jag väl kolla på nån film som jag har på datorn. Jag menar, jag ska ju sitta här i fem timmar...

Some thoughts. You know, I do actually think.

Följande inlägg kommer att vara på engelska och det kommer även sakna disposition och någon form av röd tråd, jag kommer att skriva i en form som kallas "stream of consciousness" vilket betyder att jag skriver ner i stort sett precis allt jag tänker. Det kommer dessutom vara långt. 

I accept it now, that you and I are no longer we/us/one or whatever you might call it - together. I dont understand it at all but i do understand and if it makes you happy im happy, oh what bullshit since im not happy at all. Why? well first of all the one person that i do love truly no longer loves me back, or in that way as he kindly states, i love you but im not IN love with you. See the difference? That little word, in. Why does it have to be so goddamn important? And how on earth do you turn feelings off, why wont it go away? The funny thing is though that i always knew that we were going to end sooner or later but i always truted it to be later, much later. I wasnt prepared. and you werent either, apparently. how the hell can things change so fast? its like a gunshot, one second you alive and happy or i dont know if youre happy but you get the point, and then the other your dead. a vegetable. Unable to feel anything but emptyness, if even that. the one thing i am very pleased to have is your love as a friend. because without it i wouldnt know what to do if you would actually be completely gone. I havent dealt with the loss of us, not really in a proper way. I still think of it though, the day it all turned around, the day i saw you crying because you were hurt and sad and sorry. Ive made you cry lots of times, not because i wanted to but in someway you just did, you just had so many feelings. i dont know. like the time you said I love you and i said it to, you cried. of happieness of course, but i never made you cry out of anger or hurtfullness. so what happened, is the thing i would like to know. and here's another funny thing, ive asked you but you dont know either.
One thing no one can ever take away from me is all the firsts. I was your first everything... And in someway it comforts me, because they say that no one ever forgets their first love. So instead of clinging on to the past i will try to move forward, even though it will be hard with you in the back of my head.